by George Ziemann

After thoroughly bashing the predictions of the people in the business of predicting the future, it is only right that I offer my personal vision of what will happen over the next 12 months. The difference is that I won't charge you $500 to read this fiction.

2004 Year in Review
January
• Cary Sherman is awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award by the National Liars Club, having narrowly defeated Donald Rumsfield during the club's voting process. "Sure, Rumsfield had a real gem with that 'what we know we don't know and what we don't know we don't know' thing, but that may have been a fluke," said a Liars Club spokesman wearing a "Joe Mama" name badge. "It just doesn't compare to Sherman's unflagging devotion year after year to an indefensible claim in the face of all evidence to the contrary. And he STILL says the RIAA helps the artists! A real pro."

• In a preliminary hearing, Michael Jackson falls apart on the witness stand. Plastic surgeons are called in and the trial resumes the next day.

February
• The RIAA files its first "John Doe" lawsuit. Unfortunately, the judge tells the RIAA "It's your own damn fault," citing the list of files "John Doe" was purportedly sharing. "There are some classics in here," said the judge. "You just can't buy this stuff in stores any more and the labels aren't offering it commercially at all. Neither are the P2P sites. No harm, no damage." The RIAA promised to appeal. The judge promised to find out who John Doe was so he could download a couple of his tunes.

• RIAA releases its 2003 Year-End Statistics, announcing that, despite another sales decrease, they have shipped out a record number of CDs, many of which may be arriving in stores as early as 2005, with a total combined value of 73 skazillion dollars, based on the suggested retail price for people in Antarctica with weighting provided for descendants of hobbits. In short, 2003 was the best year ever for the recording industry in terms of lingerie sales.

March
• Another action-packed Grammy awards show, with a total television viewership of 357 households within the Neilsen sample market of customers at a Safeway in Long Island. This translates into a national total of almost 1.3 people who actually paid attention to the broadcast. Competition was fierce, with the awards show up against the new blockbuster shows like "Survivor -- Beverly Hills", "Real World: Ethnically Ambiguous" and the venerable leader, "Big Breasted Women in Underwear."

Among the big Grammy winners...
• Best Album -- The Best of the Best of the Best We Could Scrape Together Without Licensing Hassles -- Various Artists
• Best Song -- "Yo, U (expletive) (expletive)" -- Da (expletive) (expletive)

April
• After hearing the RIAA's appeal, a Washington, D.C. District Court panel of judges decides that Metallica still sucks, Kazaa rocks and sums up their one-page ruling with, "It's not like there's really a law against it..." The RIAA intends to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court which, in turn, immediately responded with a press release advising that "we've been waiting for this one."

May
In anticipation of the summer blockbuster films, the MPAA announced that it will beef up security in movie theatres by installing cameras in the back of each theatre seat, enabling them to film each and every customer watching the movie. Claimed to be an anti-piracy measure, the announcement is greeted with a backlash from movie-goers, who somehow seem offended that someone will be watching their every move. The Dept. of Justice supports the move, proclaiming it as a "major step toward eliminating foreign terrorism." In response, the Dept. of Homeland Security downgrades the national threat status to "Toxic Waste Green".

Meanwhile... BMG releases its new copy-protection technology, banning the sale to college students with technical degrees, "especially those assholes at Princeton." Despite the highly touted to DRM scheme, a kindergarten student in Lawrence, Kansas accidentally leaves the Caps Lock key down on his keyboard and discovers how to bypass the new technology.

After breaking an ankle stomping his foot, a BMG executive decided not to file DMCA charges to recover the "willful and intentional damages" caused by the student's "unethical behavior" in causing a copy-protected CD to actually play.

June
In the largest arrest of its kind, police seize a counterfeit CD manufacturing plant in Seacaucus, NJ, where two CD burners and a jewel case of 100 blank CD-Rs were recovered. The RIAA estimated the apprehension of the two teenage sisters who were arrested has saved the industry approximately a billion a year in counterfiet goods. "These were 32X burners," said Cary Sherman. "And there is a WalMart right down the street. They could be downloading legal music for $1 each or burn their own songs for about a penny. They chose the low road, irreparably damaged the career of the girl who sings the "Kim Possible" theme song and now they have to pay the price."

July
The Supreme Court delivers a stunning blow to the recording industry, deciding in an 8 to 1 decision that the RIAA was "misguided, anti-competitive and not terribly bright" if they intended to litigate non-commercial use by consumers. "How many times do we have to tell you that you just can't do that? Piano rolls, radio, tape recorders, television, cassettes, VCRs... every time someone rolls out a new technology. And every time, we have to tell you 'no.'"

Daniel Souder wrote the lone dissenting opinion, stating that, "I really wanted to let them have a trial so that when it came to us we could award a huge sum of money to the defendant."

August
The latest music craze sweeps the nation as radios everywhere are replaced by small chips embedded in consumers' brains. The "Chip Generation" is identified by the small scar in the center of their forehead in the shape of a smiley face. The free implants are being sponsored by Clear Channel, which has adopted the new marketing gimmick, catapaulted by the catch-phrase, "You Weren't Using It Anyway." When consumers begin to complain about repetition and quality, CC responds with a new campaign, "What Do You Want For Free?"

September
The year's biggest new hit dominates the album charts, a collection of multi-platinum artists covering the Hansen song, "Mmm Bop". Industry spokesperson, Sella Downarode, called the CD the "fastest-mover of the year" noting that the song had already been downloaded 17 times on the iTunes music service, after shipping more than 500 copies to retailers. "And that's just the first month," Downarode said, portraying the current industry optimism.

October
Retail suffers a blow when Homeland Security issues a "Whorehouse Red Alert" and demands all retail packing must be changed to contain radioactive pellets emitting a trail which can be tracked by sophisticated electronic gear the CIA discovered at Radio Shack last week.

Despite this bad news, retailers plunge ahead, announcing the beginning of the Christmas season on October 2. Duct tape sales surge.

November
Incumbent President George W. Bush loses the election in a surprise finish, with SpongeBob SquarePants capturing the Florida and California electoral votes. Although exit polls had determined that the voters had apparently elected Joe Walsh (with Dave Barry making a strong showing in the Miami area), Diebold stands by the accuracy of their e-voting system, which showed that 127 percent of the population in both states had cast ballots in 2004.

December
Months after suffering their Supreme Court decision, the RIAA decides to officially change its name to reflect its new status, becoming the RFB (Rich Foreign Bastards). List prices for CDs drop again, with list prices starting at $49.99.

LOL this really gives me something to look forward to

Heheh, very nice George, it put a smile on my face after a miserable first day back at work

funny stuff. I really liked the one about the guy breaking his foot. that's gold.

Thanks George, great reporting on the facts that were laid before us. Infact it was Idon'tknow who won the election and Igiveup came in second. Bush was tied for third when in a digital finish.It was found he was stuck out his tongue.
Yelling to court to court.

too funny. Yeah nothing to look foward to next year

"Cary Sherman is awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award by the National Liars Club"

LOL from the start.

Donald Rumsfield? are you sure your not thinking of Orrin Hatch?

I would have him in on second place.

lol, I love this!

Hey George,
Thanks for providing a very amusing prediction about what will happen in the next 12 months. But truth be know that I, like many who download from the internet I am worried about the RIAA actually winning the supreme court ruling on this. I contacted my ISP Verizon recently and talked to somebody about the verdict and what he had to say was interesting actually. The rep told me that this ruling does not mean that The RIAA cannot still find out who the "suspected infringer" is, but more or less it will be very very costly for the major labels to uncover the person's identity and ISPs can still REFUSE to turn over the person's identity if the subscriber fights it.
Wouldn't it be ironic though if the Supreme Court hears the case and ISPs actually win against the record companies?

"...a kindergarten student in Lawrence, Kansas accidentally leaves the Caps Lock key down on his keyboard and discovers how to bypass the new technology."

Excellent piece!

George,

Thanks for a good laugh on a crummy day. You have a real talent, please give us more. Go Joe Walsh!

LOL! Nice one!

Gooooo spongebob!!!! wooohooo

lmao this is one of the funnyest things i seen all year and i been to ever comadey released by the mpaa :0( lol

Hilarous

But you know whats funnier than this?

Cary Sherman's face

XD

I have to agree... this was truly fantastic George, a laugh a minute.

Let's see....

Computer to write article - $1000
CD-R's to back up hard drive - $30
Side trip to dMusic.com to buy some REAL music CD's - $40

Making a bunch Music Lovers laugh - PRICELESS.

hehe

lol George..you Da Man...but that was satire..
the scary part is the following is true...

From D H Rumsfeld
http://slate.msn.com/id/2081042/

The Unknown
As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the—
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's—

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it,
But—

Some of you are probably too young to remember those—
Those glass boxes,
But—

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

—Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

—May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

Happenings
You're going to be told lots of things.
You get told things every day that don't happen.

It doesn't seem to bother people, they don't—
It's printed in the press.
The world thinks all these things happen.
They never happened.

Everyone's so eager to get the story
Before in fact the story's there
That the world is constantly being fed
Things that haven't happened.

All I can tell you is,
It hasn't happened.
It's going to happen.

—Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing

The Digital Revolution
Oh my goodness gracious,
What you can buy off the Internet
In terms of overhead photography!

A trained ape can know an awful lot
Of what is going on in this world,
Just by punching on his mouse
For a relatively modest cost!

—June 9, 2001, following European trip

The Situation
Things will not be necessarily continuous.
The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous
Ought not to be characterized as a pause.
There will be some things that people will see.
There will be some things that people won't see.
And life goes on.

—Oct. 12, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

Clarity
I think what you'll find,
I think what you'll find is,
Whatever it is we do substantively,
There will be near-perfect clarity
As to what it is.

And it will be known,
And it will be known to the Congress,
And it will be known to you,
Probably before we decide it,
But it will be known.

—Feb. 28, 2003, Department of Defense briefing


BUSHISMS
http://www.bushisms.com/index1a.html
just a few..
""Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to
know it."
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"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term."
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"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a
gun."
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"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is—I'm not sure 80
percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent
will get it if I'm the president."
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"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all
about."
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"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for,
then I'm for it."
—St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Our priorities is our faith."
—Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
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"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial
profiling, which is illiterate children."
—Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000 (Thanks to Leonard Williams.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's going to require numerous IRA agents."
—On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
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"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to
answer questions. I can't answer your question."
—In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the
first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Feld.)
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"I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the
financial centers, not only here but at home."
—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)

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While speaking about KIPP Academy in Houston, Texas during the debate
last night, would-be president Bush said:
"It's a school full of so-called at-risk children. It's how we,
unfortunately, label certain children. It means basically they
can't learn. ... It's one of the best schools in Houston."
So he thinks that "at-risk" means "can't learn?" And that one of the
best schools in Houston is filled with students that can't learn? What an idiot. (Thanks Derek Brandon)

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... I've been talking to Vicente Fox, the new president of Mexico... I know him... to have gas and oil sent to U.S.... so we'll not depend on foreign oil...
-- on the first Presidential debate, 10/03/2000
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"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
—Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
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"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."
—Redwood, Calif., Sept. 27, 2000

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"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations
rise above that which is expected." --Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000

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"...more and more of our imports are coming from overseas."
-- On NPR's Morning Edition (9/26) - (Thanks Paul ...)

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Larry King: "What do people misunderstand about you most"
George Walker Bush: "That I'm running on my dad's name... (!?!)
I'm proud of my dad... I reconciled my love for my dad a long time ago"
-- What the heck is he talking about? (Thanks Dave...)

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"Well, that's going to be up to the pundits and the people to make
up their mind. I'll tell you what is a president for him, for example,
talking about my record in the state of Texas. I mean, he's willing
to say anything in order to convince people that I haven't had a
good record in Texas."
--MSNBC, Sept. 20, 2000 (Thanks to Gregory H. Monberg.)

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"I am aperson who recognizes the fallacy of humans...,"
apparently meaning fallibility."
--from "Bush courts women in cozy 'Oprah' visit" by William Goldshclag
printed in the New York City edition of the Daily News, September 20, 2000, page 5 (Thanks Michael...)
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"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an
economic illness."-- The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000
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"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia--I never interviewed her."
--Orange, Calif., Sept. 15, 2000
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"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some
of their own money." —Westminster, Calif., Sept.13, 2000
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"They have miscalculated me as a leader." —Ibid.
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"...I don't need to be subliminabable.." Orlando, FL, Sept. 12 -- when caught using subliminal technique in his dirty ads against Gore... (read more)
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"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them."—Outside Pittsburgh, Sept. 8, 2000
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"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired."
—Westland, Mich., Sept. 8, 2000
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"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from."
—Detroit, Sept. 7, 2000 (Thanks to Michael Butler, Houston, Texas.)
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"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston,Texas, Sept. 6, 2000 "

""We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."
—Houston,Texas, Sept. 6, 2000"

To which Dick Cheney replied, "Right on, man. Right on."

Oh yes, thanks for the reminder of why I am going to stop coming to this site.

Bush no talk good, but as Yoda would say, "Butt he can kick."

Saddam's in the slammer now. If he finally gets his hands on Osama, you suppose his detractors will cut him some slack?

I have to be strongly behind anyone who can cause liberals to be in such a constant state of apoplexy. Even if Mr. Bush can't pronounce apoplexy.

sorry if I offended by posting the actual words of our prez...
these are his own words on the record....

if someone says something funny..it's funny....
heck, I laugh at things I write myself...
i can laugh at my own foibles...

losing a sense of humor is not a good sign...
i sense we ALL need MORE of a sense of humor in the coming New Year....

when, or IF it gets to the point that we cannot reprint the silly things
our leaders say that makes them look foolish, then we have a LOT to be concerned about...that will really mark the end of Freedom as we know it,
and of free speech as well..

At any rate...Happy New Year churchkey and everyone else
~Code

I have a question for churchkey:

If someone was to make jokes about the RIAA, would you laugh? Why not when people make jokes about our nation's leaders?

You can't please everyone all the time...

"Comedy is not pretty." -- Steve Martin

And here's one from leflaw, a commentary on why a lot of entertainers lean to the left...

"Have you ever heard of anyone majoring in conservative arts?"

My favorite DUHbyaism of all time:

"There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says:

Fool me once, (3 sec pause) shame on, (2 sec pause) shame on you, (5 sec pause) er fool me, you can't get fooled again!"

It made The Daily Show on Comedy Central's 'Moment of Zen!'

He must have been having a braingasim or a flashback to 'Who's Next' LOL

GW needs to go so we can regain control of the FCC if for no other reason.

Shmoo, of Electric Gypsy
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