(***Satire***Joke***Humor***Parody***)

[The ongoing tale of the unfair trials and tribulations suffered by a poor orphan of humble beginnings, who thru honest hard work rose to become one of the highest-ranking officials in the RIAA. (Rats Infesting American Audio-phonics). As our story opens…]

This is Ned Nation your National News Network, national reporter with all the news we feel fit to tell you.

[Jingle] Yes-ter-day all your troubles seemed so far away. [Jingle]

This news is brought to you by Rats Infesting American Audio-phonics: Amnesty is good; believe us, believe it!

In the news today Rats Infesting American Audio-phonics’ longtime spokesperson, Scumbucket McGreedy announced today: The new version of the Pledge of Allegiance is ready. And this reporter, in another Ned Nation Exclusive Scoop can tell you: The new wording is better. Listen to this:

I pledge allegiance to the RIAA of the United States of ameRI(k)AA, and to the Corporations for which it stands: one Rule under Money, indivisible by Liberty or Justice, now and forever more. Amen.

Folks it brings a tear to this old reporters eye to hear how these Magnificent Corporations have taken it upon themselves to bring their ability to improve things into our humdrum everyday lives. And, best of all, in a truly outstanding gesture of Corporate Benevolence: They wave their copyright to the words! So now we can all recite them any time we want to!

Folks, it just doesn’t get any better than that!

[Jingle] Sus-spish-on: torments my heart. [Jingle]

This news is brought to you by Rats Infesting American Audio-phonics: We know where you live: You’re computers belong to us.

In other news: Legislators vow to unanimously mandate that The New Pledge of Allegiance be said at every gathering of two or more people. While still unaware of the actual words…

[brrrrp… brrrrp]

Scum it’s for you!

All right L’arse; got it! Hello? Hello?

Scum, I’ve just shipped out those clones you wanted.

BlackJack! That’s great! Hasn’t come a moment too soon. So, tell me, can any of them walk and chew gum at the same time?

No, and that’s one of the reasons I called: One of them can’t walk or chew gum. You’ll have to make him a drummer. Fans love it when the drummer’s a bit slower than the rest of the group. In fact it’s an institution!

(Chuckle) Yeah, I know BlackJack. But can he keep a beat? That last one we made a drummer couldn’t even beat his meat! We had to edit tape speeds like crazy just to make the video look like he had rhythm!

(Chuckle) Yeah, you’re right Scum. That was a piece of work. But hey, just throw in more naked flesh; you know that always works. Maybe have some girl on girl, you know, like that what’s-her-name, Queen Bodice?

Princess? You mean Princess? That was just to make her boyfriend jealous. She wanted to get back at him for saying he’d used her Cha-cha, that’s all. That and keep her career alive (chuckle).

That’s not what I hear Scum, I hear she’s busy cruising for every over-the-hill dyke superstar she can get her lips on. Something about resenting being his beard. But that’s not important. Listen, I want to put B. Luster Blubberbutt on the line. He’s a lawyer and I think you should hear what he has to say.

Hello? Hello? Scumbucket McGreedy? This is B. Luster Blubberbutt.

[Well… Who is B. Luster Blubberbutt? And does Scumbucket McGreedy ‘a poor orphan of humble beginnings, who thru honest hard work rose to become one of the highest-ranking officials in the RIAA’ want to hear what he has to say? And what happened to Scum’s lawyers, DS&H (Dewey, Soowhim and Howe)?

For the answer to these and other questions: Stay tuned to this website for further details.]

(***Satire***Joke***Humor***Parody***)

You have got to be kidding me.