By Brian Briggs
Editors note: My buddy Brain Briggs over at BBspot.Com said we could use this. If you're looking for a chuckle or just a different take on what you hear in the news this is the place to visit.

Winston-Salem, NC - The IT department of Celemtech today destroyed eleven computers during a witch hunt for illegal files, mainly MP3s, on employee computer systems.

A giant tub of sea water was wheeled around, and suspicious computers were dumped in. If the computer floated, then it was considered possessed by MP3s. If it sunk, then it was considered pure and returned to the employees.

Head of the IT Bill Stoughton explained, "We know that MP3s are lighter than air, hence they should float on the water. The same applies to pornographic files as well."

Stoughton was heartened by the results of today's dowsings. "It appears that our educational e-mails about the dangers of MP3s are working. Every computer sank today," he said with a smile.

Employees targeted by the search voiced concerns about the cost of the procedure. "We've already drained our computer budget for the entire year," said Sarah Good in Purchasing.

Stoughton responded to the cost concern, "I'd like to point out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study released by the RIAA."

Celemtech used to test the systems on a "trial-by-fire" basis, but that was fraught with problems. Stoughton said, "Every time we'd light one of those computers up, the sprinkler system would go off. It was ridiculous. Now we have MP3 detection down to a science."

Bridget Bishop, an administrative assistant in the sales department disagreed. "These guys have no idea what they are doing. Last week they were in here with giant magnets trying to 'cleanse my computer of corruption.' Then we got a memo saying that the giant magnets damaged the hard drives so they were going to dunk them in a vat of salt water. Morons."

"I'd like to point out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study released by the RIAA."

How?

How damn stupid are these people? Make a RAR file of all the MP3s, and they won't catch them.

I am really amazed by this.

Why? Does a RAR file make the MP3 files heavier???? Maybe that's why all the computers sank

Thasp, you knew this was a joke....right????

you'd better hope this was a joke!

Of course it's a joke. I live near Winston-Salem and I've never heard of Celemtech. Winston-Salem's the home of RJR Tobacco, not tech. That's over in Raleigh-Durham. LOL, it's pretty funny though.

It's a good thing that they used salt water. It's very well known that the corrosive properties of the salt will destroy the MP3's that it comes in contact with. While a large store of MP3's will shield the majority of the collection, if there's only a few then the salt will destroy the MP3's and return the computer to a safe status. This allows the computer to sink and it can then be returned for legitimate use. It's a good thing those tech people are on top of things.

Ummm... Thasp? Joke? Laugh? Humor?

Or do you use saltwater regularly in maintaining your own systems?

Um... no.

They do a search for *.mp3. If the MP3s are zipped or RARed, they are still there, just all contained in one big file. That's how full albums are transferred on eMule/eDonkey2000 network, and you not only get the full album, but the ISP sees you sending data stuff not music. Zip files are going to be all over, as all install files are zipped.

So I could have 2000 MP3s, zip them, put them in a system directory, name it fonts.zip, and there you have it; 2000 MP3s, in a .zip file, hidden. Heh.

Thasp, you need to lighten up some. Comedy doesn't necessarily have to be factual. We all get that it's a parody.

i thinks it's one of those BS articals, No not BearShare, but the other BS. It is funny, and mp3 if a format and file extention, why not rename it .rpm on a windows box, a .dll on a linux bx that doesn't support Windows stuff, and .dat if all else fails....
plus all computers will sink in water... it's a law of physics, unless the case is waterproof and contains allot of boyant material, which most computers are not made of.

By the way, o humorless one, you are inventing something we've been doing for nigh on 6 years with FTP.

Rename to zip. OR zip it. OR rename it THEN zip it. OR zip it twice. OR rename it, zip it, and rename the zip.

There used to be publicly advertised music sites that the ISP would shut down if they could figure out HOW you were hosting mp3 files, so we would get creative. It's chess for bored computer people.

My computer sank too. I have some mp3s and frozen hot pretzels in my machine. I think all of the updates to windows weighed my system down enough to sink it. After taking the machine out of the salt water and plugging it back in I was greeted with cooked hot pretzels and I didn't have to add the salt.

So, that's how you heat up frozen pretzels... let me go do that right now!

kneo24 I'm glad that I was help, It can be very environmentally friendly way to cook hot pretzels, and saves time not having to salt them. Keeping your system at a safe status is just another plus. lol

Heh. I know it's been done 6 years on FTP. That's why I called them morons .

Scanning people's computers for MP3s, I get... using magnets to "erase them of corruption", is just plain hilarious

I wonder if you could control the amount of salt in the pretzel by controling the amount of salt in the water. I like salty pretzels, but I am trying to cut down the amount of salt I intake for health reasons.

BTW, anybody know an environmentaly sane way of cooking bacon an eggs with a computer?

Bacon and egg cooking has been possible since the introduction of the Pentium class computer, all that is required is the replacement of the heatsink with a large frying pan.