"By G. Lloyd Girty

Los Angeles, CA - Motion Picture Association of America President and CEO Dan Glickman announced a bold new strategy to combat the "pernicious effects of piracy". After many failures to stop piracy by technological and litigious means, Hollywood will rely on psychological tactics to thwart would-be file-swappers by making only movies that suck.
Using one-dimensional characters and predictable plots lines, movies will be so insulting to the intellect of the viewer that no one that can use a computer would bother to download them.

The MPAA has already tested the method in releases such as Baby Geniuses 2, Son of the Mask, Alone in The Dark, and Coach Carter. In a focus group of computer-literate adults, test films were able to elicit such reactions as, "Oh God, why," "I want those two hours of my life back," and "I'll be skull-fucked by imps before I ever sit through that horseshit again."

"We are sending a clear message to pirates," said MPAA Chairman Dan Glickman, "One way or another; you will pay for your crime. Your punishment may come in the form of a lawsuit, or in the mind-numbing mediocrity of Gigli, but you will be punished.

When asked how the changes would effect box office sales, Glickman responded, "We think the success of Hilary Duff has shown there is plenty of money in releasing movies that suck." Pressed specifically about the buying power of the intellectually underdeveloped market, Glickman countered, "Are you suggesting we have overestimated the idiocy of the public?" Glickman and Glickman then snickered uncontrollably.

Hollywood will eventually only produce movies based on canceled TV series. For the near future, studios are rushing to raise the suck level in existing franchises. Ashton Kutcher will replace Toby McGuire as Peter Parker in Spider-man 3. The film rights to The Hobbit have been wrestled from Peter Jackson and given to George Lucas. In addition, Joel Schumacher will direct and star in all future films from Pixar Animation Studios."

From http://www.bbspot.com/News/2005/03/mpaa_piracy.html
============SNIP===========
The scary thing is that, although it's satire, it is very close to the truth!

"The scary thing is that, although it's satire, it is very close to the truth!"

...thus all the more hilarious.

More believeable than anything the Supreme Court heard yesterday, that's for sure.

Hey, it sure worked for the RIAA

My viewing habits are shifting. I'm adopting the philosophy of Chauncey Gardener. In his immortal words, "I like to watch TV." I am enjoying Lost and old episodes of Grenada's Sherlock Holmes more than any movie I've seen in the past year. And the writing on Gilmore Girls or Joan of Arcadia, or even The Simpsons, is a lot more hip and intelligent than popular films. I'll bet most people watching The Simpsons don't get half the references.

roflmao at gdZiemann.... RIGHT ON!

All the article forgot was a reference to those Bad Actors that Glickman and Bainwol keep talking about.

Bad Actors, you mean like Keanu Reeves and Kevin Costner. They're prett bad actors.

Guy, Girl Meet, Love at first sight
Girl finds out guy has another girl, or puts foot in mouth
Girl is in position to leave because of this she plans on it
Guy tells uncaring best friend about girl
Girl is on her way to the airport in a cab
Guy does something really strange or attention getting
Guy gets girl back, Girl gets guy back


People in the audience go ah...well until they've seen it like 100,000 times.

.. you forgot the gratuitous skinny-as-a-stick-so-you-see-her-backbone-sticking-out-but-she-sure-got-big-boobs-faux-sex-scene!